I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
