Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
