She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize