Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
