What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
they're like a gay fantastic four
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
