Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
