they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
