I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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