I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
