so that wasnt chicken after all
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
