cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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