: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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