The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Randomize
