My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
