so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
