Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
