I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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