If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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