Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
