it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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