We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
do nipples grow back?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
