Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
