Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
