I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
