The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
