I wannas sexs uuuuu
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
