ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Randomize
