I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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