Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
