Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
