I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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