I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
