I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
