i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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