i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
