I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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