I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
This is my life. Enjoy the view
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
