I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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