I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
