it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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