Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
