i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Randomize