we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
