I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
