True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize