Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
