Quick, to the slutcave!
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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