I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
