she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
