VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
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