this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
