Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
