Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
