It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
