The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just googled if crying burns calories
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
