so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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